Human innovation gave us antibiotics, clean drinking water, and airplanes. But it also gave us feminine deodorant spray, which, if you missed that particular horror, was essentially perfume for the vagina. Sold with the kind of aggressive marketing usually reserved for bug repellents. It was completely unnecessary and, worse, harmful. But hey, who cares about side effects when there’s shame to be monetized?
Then there was the pill. A supposed liberation tool. In some ways, yes, it allowed women to control their fertility. But it didn’t exactly level the playing field. Women were now responsible for not getting pregnant and for managing the mood swings, migraines, and hormonal crashes that came with it. Meanwhile, the male contraceptive pill? Still on hold. Apparently, even mild side effects in men are a no-go. In Canada, where I’m from, we saw a significant rise in single motherhood not long after the pill went mainstream. And I’d wager the same held true in much of Northern Europe. Why? Because freedom without shared responsibility is just another setup.
Either way, not long after “free love” got into full swing, everyone had to switch back to using condoms. So many variations of gonorrhea had hit the market, they could barely keep up, and then came AIDS. So the pill, in a sense, became obsolete.
Let’s look at a few products that should’ve been laughed out of the pitch meeting.
Part I: Products That Should’ve Never Been Born
- Feminine Deodorant Spray
– Sold fear. Caused harm. Never asked for. Like an ex you can’t quite believe you dated. - The Pill
– Marketed as liberation, delivered with side effects and lopsided responsibility. - Baby Leashes
– designed for treating your toddler like a golden retriever at the mall. - Tanning Beds
– why let the sun age you slowly when you can fry yourself like bacon? - Voice-Controlled Trash Cans
– For when you need your garbage to obey you faster than your children. - Bluetooth Salt Shakers
– Season your food… with your phone. Because shaking is so 20th century. - Spray Cheese
– Not only did we not need it, we probably weren’t meant to survive it.
Part II: The Moldy Rise of Services No One Asked For
- Life Coaches
– Once upon a time, your best friend would tell you to get your act together—for free. Now it’s €150 an hour and comes with a Canva slide deck and a smug headshot. - Online Astrology Subscriptions
– A monthly fee to be gaslit by Mercury in retrograde. But hey, it’s “personalized.” - Kundalini Retreats
– For when downward dog just isn’t mystical enough—and you’re ready to rename yourself “Starfire”. - Pilates, Now Brought to You by the Kama Sutra
– Pilates has been rebranded as your ticket to mind-blowing sex. The new ads leave nothing to the imagination. Even if you can’t read, the message is loud and clear. It’s less about posture these days, more about post-coital glow. - Glamified Water Bottles
– Now with tracking apps, LED lights, and an influencer discount code. It’s water, Karen. Hydrate and go. - Wellness Gummies for Everything
– Melatonin, collagen, libido, mushroom-fueled “focus” bears. We’ve gone from “an apple a day” to an entire chewable pharmacy. - Digital Detox Apps
– Let me get this straight. You want me to download an app… to help me stop using apps?
Whether it’s Vaginal deodorant spray, wellness apps, or Pilates rebranded as a path to sexual transcendence, we’ve been marketed a fantasy—one that whispers insecurities in our ear, then sells us the cure in monthly installments. We’ve been sold solutions to problems we didn’t even have until someone invented the insecurity to match. The modern marketplace doesn’t fix what’s broken, it convinces us we’re broken, then offers a subscription.
Words Have Power 